Job Freebies in the UK

Free Careers info

Looking for a job? What the adverts really mean

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
You whine, you're fired.

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should
make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in a 6X6 cubicle/office

@ PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for

@ WORK
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON
You get time off for good behaviour

@ WORK
You get more work for good behaviour

@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ WORK
You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games

@ WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON
You get your own toilet

@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit

@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

@ WORK
You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK
They are called managers