How to not get a job

How to not get a job

Guaranteed ways of not getting through the interview. We're not recommending you try these if you really want a job!

• Ring up shortly before the interview and tell them you'll be a bit late. Sets a very bad impression. Then be a day late.
• Wear something scruffy
• Wear something dirty. Beans or egg down your shirt should be a good start.
• Men: Don't shave for about 5 days. Judge how long it takes for your stubble to just look scruffy.
  For insane points shave part of it off.
• Don't wash your hair for as long as possible before the interview
• Don't have a bath for ages
• Wear smelly clothes
• Wear odd shoes.
• Take your socks off during the interview and sniff them and put them back on.
• Eat spinach just before you go in and then "hack up a greenie"
• Interupt the interviewer constantly.
• Drift off, staring into space until you fall asleep
• Refuse to sit down until you've brushed the seat clean.
• File your nails.
• Paint your nails.
• Ring up for anothe rjob on your mobile during the interview
• Ask to use their phone
• Read the paper and do the crossword whilst they're asking you questions.
• Ask about perks and whether you get free lunches and could you try a free lunch.

Other job humour.

THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE
PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a
trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve
them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t
coming."

24) 'He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."

25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29) "One neuron short of a synapse."

30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Link to Job Freebies